My vacation away from humans was full of humans.

I spent the last four days in the beautiful Yosemite forest of California, USA. 

Humans are not my favorite people on this planet, they are not my least favorite, but they are not my favorite by a long shot, so you can imagine how much I might be looking forward to spending time with more trees, deer, birds, rodents of all shapes and sizes, and insects - which I find fascinating but rude - and less time with people. 

Unfortunately, it turns out that there is no longer anywhere you can go on this planet (that isn't absolutely dismal) that won't be overrun with sweaty, stinky, coughing, wheezing, sniffling, breathing, noisy, disgusting humans. 

Now, I am being dramatic. I don't hate humans. I am here to help humans. But I got mighty close to hating them for a moment there. 

I live in a very densely populated section of the world, full of beautiful beaches and wonderful weather, great food, laid back easy going rich conservatives - which is just very confusing and always keeps me on my toes because I have no idea what to not say or how to not say it when I am around them - and legal marijuana...it's a place for humans to come and enjoy the things that the industrial revolution and the war on drugs haven't completely decimated yet and you would think that escaping to the wilderness would not somehow force me to come in to direct physical contact with complete strangers as a direct contrast to the relative isolation I enjoy in my thriving metropolis. 

That being said, Yosemite is truly awe inspiring. A 100% earth original.

Waterfalls are majestic, aren't they?

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Daddy's girl

While I was in Yosemite I spent some time with extremely wealthy people. 
One man in particular owned somewhere upward of 100 vintage automobiles and 30+ airplanes. Not model airplanes, but flying machines, for transporting humans and other large things. 

This man also grew the most amazing roses, which I only bring up because it was on his plot of 55 acres. 

The most impressive thing to me was his collection of vintage Tonka trucks that his wife was showcasing. The reason that this was impressive to me is that it slowly became clear that this man had some eccentricities - because 70 year old men are generally not accepted for their toy collections - but it didn't matter because he had money. 

Money. 

The more time I spend on this earth the less I can abide humans telling me what to do, how to think, how to feel, what to watch or read or eat or drink or smoke...and I have been slowly shedding the amount of people around me who feel it is their place to speak to me at all, but I now know that I need money. 

I need lots of money. 

I need enough money that no one can tell me anything ever again. 

I want enough money to kill a man. 

-Dane 

I am going on a trip

But I will return. 

Before I go I spent a few minutes to make you something. 

it's just a little something. 

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So deep. 

So I made another Totally Human because I think I accidentally slipped in to something that I am going to do for the rest of my stay here on planet earth. 

It took me a long time to post it though. It's almost 2:00 PM right now. 

Why? 

Well, this human body that I inhabit is kind of faulty. There are some problems with the chemical flow to the brain and it's a problem that seems to be getting worse and these human bodies are particularly complex machines when it comes to the central operating systems...so, long story short, I had a bit of a problem dragging it out of bed for the last few days. 

I kept having thoughts of just shutting it down and getting a new one. 

But I guess I made it because here we are and I'm typing this and you're seeing this painting. 

On a side note, has anybody ever seen the television show "Once Upon A Time?" 

I have never seen a full episode, but I have seen bits and pieces in passing and I really think that the ladies and gentleman who acted on this show should have been paid a lot more than they were for talking about "Rumple Stillskin" as a legitimate character and a true threat with a straight face. 

I even laughed while typing that last sentence. 

-Dane M Goodman. 

Sometimes this planet is unbearably lonely

I did not come to Earth alone. I came with a partner. 
All of us come with a partner, but all of our points of entry are set the distance apart that our work to be done is set to take place in. We meet in the middle and from there we can get our parameters. Borders, if you will. 

The borders are not to keep anyone or anything out, they are more just so we don't get overwhelmed at the amount of ground to cover for two people. There might be other teams working within our borders, there might be several. We have no information about any others except that they are here and they are working towards the same goals as we are. 

You don't often get the opportunity to actually work with your partner, either. 
I know his general vicinity, and I could call him up and ask him where he is and what he is doing right this very second if I wanted to, but it would take me the better part of a day to get there. 

I don't know. 

I have recently made the acquaintance of another such as myself. Neither of us have formally addressed one another as inhuman, but we have discussed the mission at hand. Or rather, I have discussed abandoning my post. 

But they won't let me off this planet. He knows it, I know it, I don't even need to ask. If you push for reassignment they will just move you to a new corner of the map and then I would have to get to know another partner. 

I just don't want to be here anymore. 

No offense. 

This planet is just...hostile. It's draining. 
This is the most miserable place I have ever been. 

-Dane MG

What the fuq?

It's crazy, really. 

It feels like I started this whole thing just seven weeks ago...and yet here we are, working to defame Donald Trump and make some classy as fuck Kitsch art for human consumption, and then suddenly we have one thousand followers on Instagram. 

It's almost as if my three decades of studying humanity has paid off. 

...as if there was any chance it wouldn't. 

I am a math genius and my calculations are the hippest shit around. 

I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide in ways that you've never even thought of before, each one cooler than the last, and you bet your ass it's the coolest fucking thing this side of the Andromeda galaxy. 

Have you ever calculated your feelings? 

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FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELINGS

I have. 

-Dane Michael Goodman. 

We're friends right?

No, of course we're not. 
I know that. 

I know that I don't have any friends, I'm not stupid...I was just trying to be cute because I am going to be talking about some heavy things and I have seen other humans confirm friendship before discussing deep subjects, because when you are human you must establish a relationship to discuss anything but superficial triviality. 

Why is that? 

Sometimes I think that your species would be better served if you would all put your guard down. I mean, really...it's the strangest thing. The planet earth is essentially a room full of individuals who don't want to punch anybody ever, but have their arms up ready to block a punch and punch back at a moments notice. 

It's truly insane. 

If I can be perfectly candid with you about this place, I hate it. 

Don't get me wrong, I have met some humans that are undeniably brilliant, and a genuine pleasure to be around. 
I have experienced some very powerful and positive things during my time here. 
I have seen beauty, and witnessed compassion, and been in the company of true love. 

But those moments are few and far between. 

The part that really blows my mind is that humans claim to want these things, yet make very little effort to create them. 

...I think I just realized a huge part of the problem. 

I don't think humans are aware that beauty, love, compassion, and anything worthwhile needs to be created. It is not something that simply exists and is floating around out in the ethos for us to reach out and grab. 

Truly, think about it, is there anything in the known universe that simply is? That simply exists, with no thought, feeling, or energy put behind it? 

The answer is no. 

And if you think the answer is yes, I can assure you that I have seen much more of the universe than you have...nothing worth having is taken or given. It is always earned. Nurtured. And then if it is not appreciated it will surely die, 

...but I don't think anyone is listening. 

The only reason I feel comfortable alluding to what I really am on here is that no one is listening...and if you are listening then this is all a joke anyway. 

There are definitely not beings on this planet who inhabit human bodies but are not of this earth. 

That would be ridiculous. 

Besides...human bodies can't just be created. 
Right? 

Haha. 

And don't even get me started on the complications involved with transmitting intelligence. 

Don't worry my carbon based brothers, there is nothing that exists beyond your experience. 

I will stay here until my assignment is over. 
But based off of what I have seen I will most likely end up dying on this god forsaken rock. 

I do like tacos though. 

-Dane 

Busy busy buzzy beez

There is a new Totally Human today for your vision. 

I have more than that but I said I would give you one on Monday and I did not say I would give you two.. 

I also gave you one on Easter, so that was very nice of me. 

I didn't have to give you anything for Easter. 

I don't even like Easter. 

I didn't get anything. 

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I know this man from inside of the television. He makes so many mistakes, and although it frustrates my sensibilities, I still find that I just can't help but find his antics adorable and lovable. I have tried to enter the tv many times. I have also tried to pull him out of it. I have been unsuccesful on both accounts. 

Anyway, the Dick-face Drumpf shirts are still selling, which is nice. 
You should probably buy one right now. 

Other than that I am making more art for you to enjoy. You just can't see it yet 

And we are growing. 

You are obsessed. 

-Dane M G. 

Easter is my favorite holiday

Easter is my favorite holiday because I don't have to buy anyone anything and I also don't celebrate it. 

But I know that some of you humans do, and I love to see those big bright (impossibly white) smiles of yours. It makes those big white eyes of your light up. 

“Fuck you Shaq”

— towards the end of this post

Jesus is probably my favorite superhero. I think his death was much more impact-full than even Superman's death. And he came back to life in a much less confusing way than super man did. Could you imagine if there were multiple versions of Jesus that came back to life, and one version was a kid Jesus and one version was made of steel and had a huge hammer? 

Okay, actually that steel version of superman was pretty awesome. 

Too bad Shaq had to go fuck it up. 

Shaq fucking ruins everything. 

Shaq, if you are reading this, you owe me an apology for releasing that shitty genie movie on my birthday. I took friends to that and you let us all down. I lost some friends that day. 

Fuck you, Shaq. 

Anyway, here is a special Easter edition of Totally Human. 

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I made a logo

I'm in that in between time space again. 
Not sure why I do this to myself, but every time I ask I'm only met with silence so I have nothing but guesses to really grasp on to. 

Are you me? Well who am I? Should I ask, or did I answer myself? 

Our cat has a cone on her head and she walks around mean muggin all day and it's totes adorbs so I yolo'd up a quick log's (prounounced lowgs) and now we have this superdope logo that we can put on all sorts of things. 

so many of them. 

all the things, really. 

First one to get a tattoo of it wins. 

Well, I'm listening to Enigma and I think that means I've been awake for too long and it's now time to cross over into my home realm and take my true form for the remainder of the evening. 

-Dane 

The Store is no longer invisible...

I have had more than a handful of people tell me that they would like to purchase a Drumpf shirt but they read on the blog that the store is invisible so they didn't buy one. 
17
It was 17 people. 

Well, I would like to dispel those rumors now.

Yes, the store was invisible for a day while I ran a few test orders and such, but it very quickly became visible again. However, I would have to agree with everybody that it is not as visible as I would like it to be. This website is new and I am still building it as I go, so I can assure you that it will only get better. 

I am doing everything I can to make it better for humans all the time.

After reading exactly 3 articles on how human eyesight worked, I have devised a store design that surely can not be missed. 

All you have to do now is click on the box that says it is a store, and then you will find yourself in my store. After that it's basically just more clicking. And then you fill out your credit card information and then I think there is at least one more click. 

What you do after that is up to you. 

The sky is the limit. 

You can literally be anything that you want to be as long as you're still under 25.

And even that's being generous. 

You should really have your life figured out by 15. 

-Dane 

Hooomans

So...I did it. 

It's late, or early, or time is meaningless. I can't remember. But I am experiencing fatigue on multiple levels. I would say this is an existential crisis, except I don't believe in buzzwords. 

I made another Totally Human because I know what it is to live the human experience, seeing as I am a human just like you. 

I also promised that I would make one and give it to you on Mondays. 
Today is a Monday. 
I don't know who you are or if you are getting them...but I'll just leave it right here. 

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I want to feel mo better. 

-Dane

The store is invisible

As you can clearly see, the store is up but invisible. 

I will not be doing any pre-orders, so I am waiting until the shirts actually arrive, which should be any day now, and then I will open the store and see how fast we can sell out of the meager 28 shirts that I have prepared as an offering to the flames of discontent being fanned by this beast with a thousand heads. 

I will say that waiting for these shirts is somewhat like being a child and waiting for Christmas. Or being a 20 year old in the last months before your 21'st birthday. Or the last hour before the liquor store opens because you're starting to shake and you drank all your mothers mouthwash already. 

I also feel like it is a very similar feeling to waiting for a package to be delivered from one person to the next in the mail, probably by some sort of delivery person in a uniform and they have things to sign and then other places to be so they never talk to you even though they can see the desperate loneliness behind your eyes...I believe that parcel carriers where sunglasses so as to have a barrier between them and the unbridled emotions of strangers. 

I think my neighbor works for UPS, actually...I should probably ask him if that's true. 

Well...I'm going to level with you, I haven't slept at all because, previous to this moment in time I had no idea how to set up an online store...but I do now and that's all that matters. 

Well...there are actually a lot more things than that that matter, but I don't know what they are.

Good morning,
Sincerely
-Dane Michael Goodman

Totally Human

Well, here it is, the very first TOTALLY HUMAN comic for you to enjoy forever.  
And remember, there will be a new TOTALLY HUMAN posted every Monday from here until forever, or until I die, which will be never because this is going to make me rich and I'm just going to keep getting my entire body replaced with stem cell research all the time. 

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