Outside of a club, it was a cold night, or a hot night...I can't even seem to remember...no, no it was cold, definitely cold because she was wearing a black jacket, I do remember that. And I was about to play a show. I remember that...I remember we were outside the club and we hadn't played yet, and I was taking Neurontin for fun; thousands of milligrams at a time. I used to call it floating. Every eight hundred milligrams was an inch of the ground...I used to float four or five inches of the ground. I think eight inches is the highest I ever went.
I used to call myself the Demon Lorde Neurontin. Yeah...I remember that now, the way it made me feel was amazing. Literally like you were floating...that moment right before you get drunk and that moment right before the ecstasy hits, that's what it felt like. And that's what I was feeling, until I met her. Meeting her was like crashing into a fucking wave...a hard wave, a wall, a force, a train, a fucking avalanche. My god, she was beautiful, but that wasn't even it...it was her force of energy. It hit me like a sucker punch. Knocked me on my ass. I think I literally fell over and stumbled and forgot how to speak and I couldn't remember how to think and for a moment I couldn't even breathe, all I could do was just stare in disbelief at what I was seeing...and she shrunk back and hid her face a little bit under her hair and looked up at me with this big beautiful dark eyes, impossibly big and impossibly dark and so fucking beautiful...like a pool, I could have just fallen into them over and over again, like a million attempts to swim but secretly hoping I drown and die and exist in them forever and that's just how I'm remembered.
I drove out to her house one night on acid...we sat in the back woods of her house, and it was October and everything was decorated with Halloween haunts and spooks and the woods were alive with magick and everything was moving and breathing and it never became too much because I was able to lay my head in her lap and she played with my hair and talked to me and her voice is smooth and comfortable and warm like silk sheets...her voice was everything I could ever want to hear...the most beautiful music. It was an anchor to the world when I was drifting into a savage land.
She had a way of calming my mind.
I always told her I wanted to lay her down...I would steal kisses from her when I could. It was a smoldering smitten...it was all encompassing and I burned and I still burn and I will probably always burn for her.
But I am a monster.
I can't poison her...
So instead I just keep a safe distance. Hundreds of miles between us because it's safer that way for both of us...and I will just always burn, and I will always smolder, and I will always feel incomplete like a part of my life could be better, like maybe gravity wouldn't be so strong and crushing if I had her with me because her energy is a shield and she is love and she is beauty and she is magick and she is glory and compassion and kindness and she is dark and a little weird and her sense of humor is a little twisted and she can talk to animals...but...I am me.
I have always been me and I will always be me and I am poison.
I am deadly poison.
I am darkness and decay and a black candle on a dark night...I am the flashing of claws and bloody teeth and moonshine and howling in the moonlight and the pull of the tides and I am the depths of ugliness that the entire world works so tirelessly to stomp out.
I don't mean to be.
I hate that I am this.
I am also so many other things...I can be beautiful too.
I can be a light and I can be love. I really can.
But I am also all of that...that ugliness.
sigh.
I wish I wasn't.