When I was going to sleep last night, laying in bed and thinking about my life and all that I have done and all that maybe I might someday do if I feel like it, I came to the realization that I am kind of a loser. Seriously. It doesn't matter how much bad shit happened to me this last year, or that I'm Bi-polar, it seriously doesn't matter. I have been living with my parents for like ten months now, and I haven't been able to keep a god damn job, and I started drinking again, and I've basically just been floating around with my thumb up my ass just kind of staring wide eyed into the fucking headlights of the car that is life. I'm just standing there, waiting to be run over.
And some people are saying I'm still doing it, you know "doing it", putting one foot in front of the other or some shit like that...but...I don't know, I really don't know.
I've had a lot of people die...great, here I go with my pity party bullshit, right? But I've known death, fine whatever, that's all gravy baby, but murder? Fucking murder...man, that shit is hard to wrap your mind around. And then after I died myself and came back to life it's even more of a kind of mind fuck because my entire perspective on life and death went upside down and now I'm looking at life kind of like "Do any of you mother fuckers even know what you're doing?" and the answer is always and obviously "NO!" but everyone screams "YES OF COURSE! FUCK OFF!" as if they have any answers.
Do you have any answers? Because I'll fucking pay for some. I don't mean memorizing some facts, I mean some of that real PURE un-cut knowledge. That's the good shit, that's what I want. I want to be fucking enlightened! I want my eyes to be forced opened and I want to be blinded by the light. SWEET BLACK BABY JESUS SAVE MY SOUL!
I remember one time in middle school this girl, Jill, she had some warm beers in her backpack and we drank those and then made out and she wanted to go further but I wasn't really attracted to her except for her boobs, so I turned it down and she got really butt hurt and then I spent the next couple of months regretting that decision, so later when her and I had to go to an alternative school were there was some security guard watching us all the time and we were stuck in a room with eight other kids all god damn fucking day and getting on each others nerves, I called her "Saggy tits" and she slugged me and I totally deserved it and then I had to apologize and I totally deserved that too. Her tits weren't saggy, I was just being an asshole.
I feel like I am probably never going to have any real direction in my life and the only thing that makes me happy is knowing that I am going to die sooner than later because I really don't want to be some forty year old man waiting tables and talking about how my comicbooks are going to make it big or how I am going to sell a bunch of paintings or some scripts or something, haha. I'm not going to do jack shit and everyone knows it...I don't do jack shit, all I do is stand around with my god damn thumb up my ass like I already told you and just stare into the headlights of life. We already went over all of this, didn't we?
I repeat myself too much to too many people because I have a horrible concept of time and chronology and it seems like everything in the past happened in 1996 even though I'm absolutely positive that I have lived more complete years than that. I can never remember what stories I've told or what news I've reported. It's actually kind of made me want to talk less these days...also, my circle of friends has shrunk considerably so I'm kind of always certain that everyone just kind of knows what's going on anyway...I mean, I post so god damn much on facebook that people kind of know my moves. The only place that no one checks is here...so I kind of just spill my guts here, so if you're reading this you're on of the secret few I suppose.
Now that it's just the two of us I guess I can tell you about my plans to become a serial killer. I'm just gonna do it.
JUST KIDDING, just seeing if you were paying attention.
I'm actually going to start a cult though, and I'm in the process of brainwashing a few people as we speak and it is going quite well.
Well, I guess that's pretty much all I had to say today. You've been a great listener and that's always such a fantastic thing because when you're crazy like I am, no one really listens to you...I mean, REALLY listens. Everyone is always just like "uh huh, okay Dane...you talk to interdimensional beings and have visions of saving the world but you are worth - $10,000 and you will probably never move out of your parents house because you're shit man...you're absolute shit."
So is life.